This morning, I told my spouse how much I was proud of him and how hard it is to send him off to TDYs and deployments, especially the deployments. I wanted him to know that it is not a walk in the park and it hurts to send him off but I want him to know that I am strong and can do this time apart so he won't have to worry. The exchange between us was great and we shared our love and pride for each other. Then on the drive home several hours later, he said that he felt like we made him feel like it was no big deal that he left, especially when he came home on R&R both times. The first time, we had car troubles and the car wouldn't drive very fast and I was late getting home to him. Strike one! The second time, I was moving us into the new house that I had just bought and got stuck in traffic and was late getting to the airport. Strike two!
I have apologized numerous times but he just tells me that I don't get it and don't understand how it feels. I told him that I have beaten myself up since then numerous times. God, did he think I wanted to be late and disappoint him? Why would I? I love him with all my heart and soul and if I didn't I could have left a long time ago. This is not an easy life. This life can suck so bad. I see divorce every day but I know that we are strong and can work through anything but yet I have failed him and our marriage.
He has always told us that he doesn't want the signs, doesn't want the show but then tonight he tells me that he would have liked to have that stuff. Knowing how he is, we have done as he asked even though it hurt us to not celebrate his homecoming the same way everyone else does. Just to find out that he really would have liked that. It's so confusing and frustrating.
If I could go back two or even five years, I would in a heartbeat. I would be at the airport three hours early and have signs and balloons everywhere but I can't because life doesn't let us go back and change those moments that we screw up. We just have to move on and accept the things we cannot change and find a way to make it better when we face it again. These kinds of moments end relationships. Will it end ours? No because we won't let it. Will it cause problems? Already has but that is part of life. Life has bumps in the road, it is never smooth sailing, if it was it would be too easy and BORING. Now I am armed with precious information for the future. I know what he would really like despite what he has told us repeatedly and I will never be late for a plane, train or automobile again. Will it hurt? Sure but it is supposed to that is how we learn. We learn from the moments that cause us pain and strife. Don't think I will ever be the wife that begs him not to go, since it only hurts him but I will show him more often how hard it is to let him go and how hard it is to say good-bye and be strong. I am not afraid of showing him anymore and there will be no Strike three.
