This morning, I told my spouse how much I was proud of him and how hard it is to send him off to TDYs and deployments, especially the deployments. I wanted him to know that it is not a walk in the park and it hurts to send him off but I want him to know that I am strong and can do this time apart so he won't have to worry. The exchange between us was great and we shared our love and pride for each other. Then on the drive home several hours later, he said that he felt like we made him feel like it was no big deal that he left, especially when he came home on R&R both times. The first time, we had car troubles and the car wouldn't drive very fast and I was late getting home to him. Strike one! The second time, I was moving us into the new house that I had just bought and got stuck in traffic and was late getting to the airport. Strike two!
I have apologized numerous times but he just tells me that I don't get it and don't understand how it feels. I told him that I have beaten myself up since then numerous times. God, did he think I wanted to be late and disappoint him? Why would I? I love him with all my heart and soul and if I didn't I could have left a long time ago. This is not an easy life. This life can suck so bad. I see divorce every day but I know that we are strong and can work through anything but yet I have failed him and our marriage.
He has always told us that he doesn't want the signs, doesn't want the show but then tonight he tells me that he would have liked to have that stuff. Knowing how he is, we have done as he asked even though it hurt us to not celebrate his homecoming the same way everyone else does. Just to find out that he really would have liked that. It's so confusing and frustrating.
If I could go back two or even five years, I would in a heartbeat. I would be at the airport three hours early and have signs and balloons everywhere but I can't because life doesn't let us go back and change those moments that we screw up. We just have to move on and accept the things we cannot change and find a way to make it better when we face it again. These kinds of moments end relationships. Will it end ours? No because we won't let it. Will it cause problems? Already has but that is part of life. Life has bumps in the road, it is never smooth sailing, if it was it would be too easy and BORING. Now I am armed with precious information for the future. I know what he would really like despite what he has told us repeatedly and I will never be late for a plane, train or automobile again. Will it hurt? Sure but it is supposed to that is how we learn. We learn from the moments that cause us pain and strife. Don't think I will ever be the wife that begs him not to go, since it only hurts him but I will show him more often how hard it is to let him go and how hard it is to say good-bye and be strong. I am not afraid of showing him anymore and there will be no Strike three.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
White Sangria (aka Drunk Fruit swimming in a sea of love)
For our annual 4th of July BBQ, I decided to make a pitcher of Sangria but I wanted the white Sangria like the kind you get at Olive Garden. (I love that stuff...yumm) I was inspired by the fruit that I picked up at the Farmer's Market and the wonderful bottle of Sauvignon Blanc that the wine fairy delivered the day before. So the following is the concoction that was light and fruity and perfect for the afternoon by the pool with friends and family.
- 2 Bottles of white wine (Riesling, Albarino, Chablis, Gewurztraminer, Pinot Gris, Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc)
- 1 cup white sugar
- 3 oranges (sliced) or may substitute 1 cup of orange juice)
- 1 lemon (sliced)
- 1 lime (sliced)
- 5 strawberries (sliced)
- 1 cup of fresh pineapple
- 1 peach (sliced)
- 2 oz. brandy (optional) ( I used the Apple Brandy that we brought home from Normandy, France and wow is it strong)
- 1/2 liter of ginger ale or club soda (ginger ale for those with a sweeter tooth!)
Preparation:
Pour the sugar in the pitcher and follow it with the Brandy. Pour the wine in the pitcher and cut the fruit into slices. Chill overnight. This allows the fuit to get nice and drunk. Add ginger ale or club soda just before serving.If you'd like to serve right away, use chilled white wine and serve over lots of ice.
Addition ideas: handful of fresh blueberries, raspberries, kiwi, a shot or two of gin, brandy or rum, a cup of citrus-flavored soda pop.
This is light and refreshing and I served it in a large red wine goblet full of fruit from the pitcher. Enjoy and Happy 4th of July!!
Addition ideas: handful of fresh blueberries, raspberries, kiwi, a shot or two of gin, brandy or rum, a cup of citrus-flavored soda pop.
This is light and refreshing and I served it in a large red wine goblet full of fruit from the pitcher. Enjoy and Happy 4th of July!!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Hell Week (s)
The past few weeks at work have tested my patience, my strength, my faith in mankind, and my fortitude. Two weeks ago, a car accident almost took a life of a co-worker and then a week ago, depression took the life of another. Young lives that will be forever changed and in one case ended. This war on terror has played havoc yet again and won. The old saying "you can lead a horse to water..." comes to mind. We have so many resources available for our Soldiers and Families but so many still don't want to utilize them. Unfortunately, there is still a stigma attached to people that seek help. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. I teach that every day to my children, especially Savannah. She is so afraid to ask for help with assignments because she does not want to be labeled.
Don't be afraid to ask for help and utilize the resources that are out there. I do! I have recently come to terms with my own PTSD that I have silently and ignorantly battled for 30 years. I just recently told my husband that I have tried to end my life more than once when the darkness gets to be more than I can bear. I am not afraid to admit that. I am not afraid of the darkness anymore!
Don't be afraid to ask for help and utilize the resources that are out there. I do! I have recently come to terms with my own PTSD that I have silently and ignorantly battled for 30 years. I just recently told my husband that I have tried to end my life more than once when the darkness gets to be more than I can bear. I am not afraid to admit that. I am not afraid of the darkness anymore!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
How I came to this crazy Army life
I grew up in an Army town and around Soldiers. I knew that I would never date a Soldier except to show them the town as a favor for friends. God had other plans for me...obviously. Thanksgiving Day 1989 was the first day of the rest of my life. I know, cliche but seriously that is how it was. I had two Soldiers that lived next door to me and we had become friends..that was it, nothing more. On that special day, one of them came over and asked me to come meet his friend. I walked in and I was hooked like big catfish on a line. Now, this guy was not drop-dead gorgeous or tall, dark, and handsome. The type of guy that normally caught my eye. Nope! This guy was a cute, short, stocky guy with an infectious smile that showed off the adorable gap between his two front teeth.
We watched football for a few hours and talked and kind of got to know one another. We flirted a little but nothing serious, heck I don't even think that I knew I was even flirting. Later that night, he told me I was boring because I wasn't that type of girl. Oh well, I thought and walked home.
The next day, I kept thinking about what he had called me. For some reason, his comment bothered me and I knew I was boring. I was the stereotypical nerd. (I even had thick glasses that I wore at home lol) When my neighbor came over to watch a movie with me, he asked if I wanted to go with him the next day. He had some errands to run and had to check in at work. It was a Saturday, I was off and had nothing to do so what the heck. Little did I know that those two guys had set me up. Yep! I was set up like a row of dominoes waiting to be knocked down.
So Saturday rolled around and off we went. He had to check in at work, so that is where we went. I went in with him since he had to do some stuff too. When I got inside, I saw Him. I was not excited about seeing him especially since I had lost sleep over what that jerk said. He smiled that adorable smile and said Hi and that haze came over me again. What the heck? Long story short... I know too late, he gave me a tour of the War Room. He worked at the Division Headquarters so he showed me around. He didn't know it but that was the way to this nerd's heart. This self-proclaimed geek was in heaven. A room that had seen a lot of history and I was hooked again. After an hour or more, I honestly don't know how long we were in there, I realized that my neighbor was gone. That jerk had left me there!
Eventually, I got my ride home by the one who called me boring. Five minutes into the ride, he reached over and grabbed my hand. Then sweetly asked if I minded. Hmmm, all I could tell him was no. Heck if I had minded he dang sure wouldn't be holding my hand. Five minutes later, he pulled up in front of my house. Got out and came around to open my door. Remember, he was from the south so manners were expected and very much appreciated. He walked me to the door, grabbed my hands and gave me the sweetest kiss. Again, he asked if I minded and of course I told him no. And there began the pitter-patter of my heart. Three days later, he told me he was going to marry me and I laughed at him. A full belly laugh. A roll on the floor with tears streaming down my face laugh. I stopped laughing five months later when I met at the end of the aisle in the same church that my Mom and Dad had been married in. Ah, the beginning of our journey, our roller coaster ride. It has been full of ups and downs and ins and outs and several loop-de-loops and oh what a ride! Fast forward several years and here we are. Still on our crazy Army life journey, loving every minute of it with the exceptions of deployments, TDY trips, and the field problems but hey that is what I signed up for after all.
We watched football for a few hours and talked and kind of got to know one another. We flirted a little but nothing serious, heck I don't even think that I knew I was even flirting. Later that night, he told me I was boring because I wasn't that type of girl. Oh well, I thought and walked home.
The next day, I kept thinking about what he had called me. For some reason, his comment bothered me and I knew I was boring. I was the stereotypical nerd. (I even had thick glasses that I wore at home lol) When my neighbor came over to watch a movie with me, he asked if I wanted to go with him the next day. He had some errands to run and had to check in at work. It was a Saturday, I was off and had nothing to do so what the heck. Little did I know that those two guys had set me up. Yep! I was set up like a row of dominoes waiting to be knocked down.
So Saturday rolled around and off we went. He had to check in at work, so that is where we went. I went in with him since he had to do some stuff too. When I got inside, I saw Him. I was not excited about seeing him especially since I had lost sleep over what that jerk said. He smiled that adorable smile and said Hi and that haze came over me again. What the heck? Long story short... I know too late, he gave me a tour of the War Room. He worked at the Division Headquarters so he showed me around. He didn't know it but that was the way to this nerd's heart. This self-proclaimed geek was in heaven. A room that had seen a lot of history and I was hooked again. After an hour or more, I honestly don't know how long we were in there, I realized that my neighbor was gone. That jerk had left me there!
Eventually, I got my ride home by the one who called me boring. Five minutes into the ride, he reached over and grabbed my hand. Then sweetly asked if I minded. Hmmm, all I could tell him was no. Heck if I had minded he dang sure wouldn't be holding my hand. Five minutes later, he pulled up in front of my house. Got out and came around to open my door. Remember, he was from the south so manners were expected and very much appreciated. He walked me to the door, grabbed my hands and gave me the sweetest kiss. Again, he asked if I minded and of course I told him no. And there began the pitter-patter of my heart. Three days later, he told me he was going to marry me and I laughed at him. A full belly laugh. A roll on the floor with tears streaming down my face laugh. I stopped laughing five months later when I met at the end of the aisle in the same church that my Mom and Dad had been married in. Ah, the beginning of our journey, our roller coaster ride. It has been full of ups and downs and ins and outs and several loop-de-loops and oh what a ride! Fast forward several years and here we are. Still on our crazy Army life journey, loving every minute of it with the exceptions of deployments, TDY trips, and the field problems but hey that is what I signed up for after all.
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